My stomach leaps, in fear or anticipation or something like excitement. All this time, and it feels like a brief two days or just one more morning, all this time apart and yet she walks down the stairs and laughs at my astonished face and folds me into a hug. She always knows how to hug me.
I can't believe it's been all this winding road since June, since the tear-stained departure and the wondering of if, and how, and what happens now that I'm walking through these crunching leaves and changing seasons without her. I can't believe that in the space of a few months I've stretched and pulled and changed, and that she has too.
But the unexpected is the joy, the space that resettles between us just as we have always made it. We cradle our mugs of tea. We cradle our questions and each other's answers. We listen. We talk. I spin the stories that have weighed so heavy on my heart, and she spins out that wisdom, that, "Hil it's all the same lesson, it's all the same obedience" and she reminds me that this long road is full of the unexpected but it's also and always full of Him.
And in between June and this cup of tea, I've missed and wondered and wished for her back. I've asked God sitting outside in the sunshine if the ache in my heart that I can't run up to her office just for a hug and a knowing look - is that ache going to be there forever?
And yesterday the unexpected answer was yes, because the ache is for the love and for the years and for the promise of all that is yet to come. Yes, you'll always have a heartache because you love her.
So I smile, my throat tightening just a little, and look at her, and at the space. You'll always have an ache because the love is real.
Love,
Hilary
Visiting from Lisa-Jo's place. Sorry that it has been a long, hard week. I do understand those. I don't know who "she" is, but I love the way you talk about her. And I understand missing, when there are too many miles or other things that separate us from loved ones. Thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteMmmm.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend moved to Virginia a few months ago, and there are moments that I forget that she left and my heart physically hurts...
This was beautiful.
Such a beautiful post. (Sorry that it comes from a painful place.) Yes, the road is "always full of Him." That is some not to be forgotten truth...I am going to cling to it today. {Sending hugs from Los Angeles}...I'm visiting D.C. in a few days and can't wait to crunch my way through those leaves!
ReplyDeletethis is such a beautiful post. i thought of the song "more than you'll ever know" when i read this. christy nockels wrote it for her very best friend, and it always makes me think of mine, as did your post. you are a wonderful writer!
ReplyDeleteThe ache of love, it is always unexpected and we never know what to do with it, do we.
ReplyDeleteI love this: " and she spins out that wisdom, that, "Hil it's all the same lesson, it's all the same obedience" and she reminds me that this long road is full of the unexpected but it's also and always full of Him."
ReplyDeleteOh but you and your words are a beauty!!!
ReplyDelete